The Rich-Mike Hitchhike

We told him about how the Situbondo police force granted us our ‘golden ticket’ through Java and how Suwarno, the generous lorry driver with the booming voice, allowed us to sleep on the back of his lorry with the mango dealers, as he drove us all the way to Jakarta, where I was pummelled to within an inch of my life by a demon masseuse.

Two British lads, working in Australia, decide to take the easy way back home for Christmas - hitchhiking. Halfway around the world. 20,000 km, 20 countries, 100 days. 

We described the anarchy on the slave ship to Singapore, and the evil harpy that cast a spell on us. We told him about how we nearly killed ourselves trying to get out of the urban labyrinth of Kuala Lumpur and about how the antidrug squad tempted us with narcotics as they delivered us to Thailand, where we were greeted by Wantona, the banana eating stoner, Sakorn, the humble owner of Bali house and Winrey, the chatty Indian, who welcomed us to Sadao’s luminous jellyfish forest.

We told him about how Alexei the Giant secured us entry into the bitter cold of Kazakhstan, where I broke up a fight between two wrestlers and then, with the expert stealth of a ninja, avoided the avaricious clutches of a toilet toll troll. We told him about how Alexander, the Russian, and Makhtar, the Kazakh, from the Almaty Soho club, backed by a chorus of beautiful angels, had helped us to escape the crazed terrorist attacks in Taraz, and about how, once we got to Taraz, when the grenade dust had settled, we had to survive a horde of ravenous, flesh eating prostitutes and then sleep in a musky cubbyhole, in the bowels of a brothel, infested with all manner of insects and rodents. We told him about how we had to deal with the intimidating police force of Aqtobe and about how a deceased fascist dictator, reincarnated in cat form, nearly stopped us from fleeing Kazakhstan.

Rich says:

I want people to laugh out loud when they read it. I want the person next to the reader to ask, “What’s so funny, mate?”
“This bit about when Rich and Mike are in Kazakhstan and Rich confuses the outhouse with the puppy shed.”
“Let’s have a read?”
“No chance! Buy it yourself, you cheapskate...”

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